5 posts tagged “self”

give me some believable doubt.

Feb 9, 2008
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I just ate an entire bag of gummy bears minus the green ones because we all know they don't taste up to par with the others. I just ate the green ones now, too. I couldn't let them go to waste.Oh, no. My hormones are messing with me - as they like to do during bleed week. It's like I lose all control over my feelings and my thoughts and I know I'm losing control and can't do a thing about it. My mind freaking itself out. Oh, frustration. Let's throw in being hopelessly needy on top of all of that. I looked for apartments for a long time today. All the ones that I could afford were full. I guess that means we're all poor. It's cold, cold outside and all I want is to be warm and held and share some hot chocolate with the man I love.

Eighteen days until Chris is here with me again. I can't wait.

i fear i am not in my perfect mind;

Dec 21, 2007
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the year is winding down, yes sir.

Mister Christopher and self.

It's so cold outside. The more I think of it the more it seems to reflect how I feel inside. I thought I had rid myself of that ugly seasonal affective disorder. Mayhaps I was wrong. Don't get it twisted, lately I have been just about the happiest girl in the whole wide world - but there are still little episodes of overwhelming uncertainty. So many, what ifs....what happens when...what am i going to do when....and the list goes on. I had a discussion with Robbie that ended in him telling me that I had haunting eyes. What does that even mean? I'm used to people commenting on my eyes. They are intensely blue, but that's certainly the most interesting comment on them that I've heard - and the only one that has really stuck in my head. Mister Christopher and I had the opportunity to go to Georgia Tech's Demo Day a few weeks ago, and explore a little of Atlanta. It was a real blast, and reminded me so much of the Seattle days. Chris and I exploring places that I've never been. It makes me really feel alive.

oh, what am i going to do...

i felt my life with both my hands;

Dec 2, 2007
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The past week has been a sort of roller-coaster, emotionally that is. Ocean deep talks with close friends and close strangers alike. Coming face to face with inevitable truths, and accepting that there are some things that I just can't change. People are going to do what they want to do, even if it hurts the people that love them the most. . .

I spoke with Robbie last night before bed, my head still swimming from the alcohol I'd had that evening. He made me cry some real crocodile tears, telling me that I was a good girlfriend and he afraid of how it's going to hurt me when Chris leaves. There are days when I feel like I'll be able to handle it okay, and other days. . .I'm so confused about it all. In a few ways I understand why it can't work right now [and probably ever], and even so I feel so selfish about it. So selfish. I hope that I will be able to handle it. I'm a strong girl, aren't I?

Aren't I?

We'll see I guess. I woke up too early today, my internal clock is stuck on waking me up at 8:30 if I don't have to work. I decided to go ahead and get up instead of laying in bed for another half of an hour - as is my usual style. I realized as I was groggily walking out of my bedroom that I was naked. I don't sleep naked, and I certainly don't remember taking my clothes off. No one else was awake in the house yet, so I just kept going to the shower. I bought some new shampoo last week. Burt's Bees kind. I like it a whole bunch. It makes my hair soft and smelly like pomegranates.

Mmmn.

sidetrackopolis.

Nov 28, 2007
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Tube Sockin'

    My 'to-do' list continues to grow and expand with little being crossed off to make room for it all. There is no real reason why more hasn't been crossed off besides being so easily distracted. I have all week off minus Friday, and a mini list of things to complete each day. So far. . .little has been accomplished. How do I get so distracted? Example of a day - Monday's List : (1) Make cards for the packages I'm sending Brittany and Mina. (2) Make individual notebooks for each package specific to the person. (3) Go to the bank to deposit my last two pay checks and get my PIN number changed for my debit card. (4) Tackle laundry mountain. (5) Grocery shopping (6) Plan cover for the book I'm altering and finally, (7) Take pictures of the notebooks I've made so far for : updating my website, and creating an Etsy account to sell them.

    Now here is what I did Monday : I made both cards, but only wrote one of them. That was all I did as far as getting packages ready to send out. [I wanted to have both in the mail by Thursday. . . ] I haphazardly dressed for the weather, rainy. I did at least remember to wear my rain boots. I went to the bank to deposit my checks, but didn't get my PIN changed - not completely my fault, the only person that handles such things was on lunch, but I didn't really feel like hanging around for an hour for his return - or coming back later that day even. With every intention of going home I went left toward work instead of right toward the house. I went to look around at books and to see Seth and Jennifer. I knew they were both working and I didn't realize my own cravings for human interaction. I looked around some and bought three books, but hung around still to talk to Seth about such things as feng shui, secret identities, and exploring. Then wondered over to Jennifer in music and decided to join her for lunch. Half an hour. After, I returned to work to say goodbye to Seth and suggest a movie night in the near future. I walked up to Target with a White Chocolate Peppermint Mocha in hand and bought a new gray tank top, my old one has holes all in it. I wondered around in there some more contemplating buying another coffee when my own cup wasn't even half empty, mumbling the words to the music in my head. Then I upped to Michaels to look at yarn for knitting but couldn't get around because they had boxes stacked in the aisles. I left, frustrated, and returned home to sit in front of the computer and talk to Cindy about going to get groceries that night. Which we did, but even items on my grocery list weren't marked off. They didn't have : Spicy Black bean burgers, my usual honey wheat buns, decent looking green apples, etc. . .

    So how did my list tackling Monday-list mission go? Failure. I only half did a few of the items on my list. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to go about accomplishing 'to-do' lists?

deal with dealing with it.

Nov 13, 2007
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Yes, I'm a bit out of my mind.

Sometimes I find it difficult just trying to deal - be it with school, work, relationships [or the lack of reality therein], or even in the daily jive of things. Though I've spent the past month working on straightening myself out and getting myself together, there are still days that I just can't seem to control my own insanity. Example: This morning I had a mandatory meeting at my workplace from 7am - 10am, the goal being to discuss the upcoming holiday season and

THUNDERBOLT

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our approach on sales, loss prevention - you know, the usual corporate 'make money' rant. I was there in body, but my mind was pondering elsewhere - and I don't mean glazing over, real dead man-zombie style, but thinking to the point of worrying, even scaring myself. I've become aware that I have two sides of myself that don't agree with each other at all, and I'm not talking total multiple personality disorder or anything of the like. The problem is more along the lines of one half of me being a total accepting realist and the other half a pathetically hopeless romantic. Sadly, the latter is the dominant half - and I can't seem to control it. This makes almost every serious chain of thought very difficult to handle because my mind is constantly finding ways to contradict itself. So as all of this and some scenarios were rolling around in my head this morning during the meeting, I panicked and knocked over my coffee cup [thankfully there was little in it to spill] as I jumped back into reality. I don't know why, or how these 'episodes' sneak up on me, or how I should go about dealing with them. Maybe it isn't insanity at all, maybe it's just living. Who knows.

Ferris Wheel

A lighter, less neurotic, note: I went to the annual National Peanut Festival here in Dothan, AL for the very first time. I've lived within an hour of Dothan nearly my entire life, and have never made any real effort to attend until this year. I had an awesome time, much to my surprise. There was an initial discomfort I had to get over, but once I did I had a really good time. Mister Christopher, Cindy, Jeremy and I were able to share a gondola on the big ferris wheel - which was slightly surreal to me due to a recurring dream I've had for the past year about Mister Christopher, and myself on a ferris wheel.. It was quite nice and fun. We also had a couple of slide races and hopped on a ride called CRAZYMOUSE, which was a total blast. Overall it was a pretty amazing night.

One more question: Do actions really speak louder than words?