what a week. what a fucking week.
I started school Monday. My very first semester of college. It's such a weird feeling, going back after not being in school for two years. The feeling isn't uncomfortable exactly, maybe I just feel vulnerable. I'm not entirely sure. I feel alone in ways that I haven't in a very long time. Lonely at school is one small thing, but Mister Christopher left Wednesday. . .I barely kept it together. I slept on the ride to the airport, I didn't want to face it. I feel bad about not taking advantage of that time with him, but I didn't want to risk freaking out. I felt like I was in a tunnel the entire time we were at the airport, there was an aching build up and I almost lost it when he hugged me goodbye. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to watch him walk away. I didn't want to let him go beyond that barrier, that invisible wall, at airports just past security. I held it together until that point, when I knew I couldn't walk up and hug him one more time. I'm glad Cindy was there. I cried on her, but continued to force it all back the best that I could. We waited until he was gone. Off the ground. I had the biggest coffee that I could find and downed it too fast, like it would make it all go away. It didn't, but it put me in a state to be around other people. I couldn't even sleep alone that night, so Cindy slept with me. I'm pathetic, I know. I didn't really freak out until school yesterday. He's gone. . . fuck. Then again at work. Really gone. . . fuck.He does seem happy to be back in Portland, so at least there is that. . .I was invited by some kids at school to go to a movie and have some booze tomorrow night. I'm going to take them up on their offer. I need to distract myself before I go mad. I fell back into my morning routine today, and it made me feel heavy. I had tea, listened to the new Radiohead, ate some cereal [Orangutan O's style. . . . .: / ] and started a new book. The weather is amazing outside. Amazing. I'm going to wear a shirt that isn't mine and leggings and go out to play.