4 posts tagged “sanity”

    The past week has been a sort of roller-coaster, emotionally that is. Ocean deep talks with close friends and close strangers alike. Coming face to face with inevitable truths, and accepting that there are some things that I just can't change. People are going to do what they want to do, even if it hurts the people that love them the most. . .

    I spoke with Robbie last night before bed, my head still swimming from the alcohol I'd had that evening. He made me cry some real crocodile tears, telling me that I was a good girlfriend and he afraid of how it's going to hurt me when Chris leaves. There are days when I feel like I'll be able to handle it okay, and other days. . .I'm so confused about it all. In a few ways I understand why it can't work right now [and probably ever], and even so I feel so selfish about it. So selfish. I hope that I will be able to handle it. I'm a strong girl, aren't I?

    Aren't I?

    We'll see I guess. I woke up too early today, my internal clock is stuck on waking me up at 8:30 if I don't have to work. I decided to go ahead and get up instead of laying in bed for another half of an hour - as is my usual style. I realized as I was groggily walking out of my bedroom that I was naked. I don't sleep naked, and I certainly don't remember taking my clothes off. No one else was awake in the house yet, so I just kept going to the shower. I bought some new shampoo last week. Burt's Bees kind. I like it a whole bunch. It makes my hair soft and smelly like pomegranates.

   Mmmn.
   

        Sometimes I find it difficult just trying to deal - be it with school, work, relationships [or the lack of reality therein], or even in the daily jive of things. Though I've spent the past month working on straightening myself out and getting myself together, there are still days that I just can't seem to control my own insanity. Example: This morning I had a mandatory meeting at my workplace from 7am - 10am, the goal being to discuss the upcoming holiday season and

our approach on sales, loss prevention - you know, the usual corporate 'make money' rant. I was there in body, but my mind was pondering elsewhere - and I don't mean glazing over, real dead man-zombie style, but thinking to the point of worrying, even scaring myself. I've become aware that I have two sides of myself that don't agree with each other at all, and I'm not talking total multiple personality disorder or anything of the like. The problem is more along the lines of one half of me being a total accepting realist and the other half a pathetically hopeless romantic. Sadly, the latter is the dominant half - and I can't seem to control it. This makes almost every serious chain of thought very difficult to handle because my mind is constantly finding ways to contradict itself. So as all of this and some scenarios were rolling around in my head this morning during the meeting, I panicked and knocked over my coffee cup [thankfully there was little in it to spill] as I jumped back into reality. I don't know why, or how these 'episodes' sneak up on me, or how I should go about dealing with them. Maybe it isn't insanity at all, maybe it's just living. Who knows.

A lighter, less neurotic, note: I went to the annual National Peanut Festival here in Dothan, AL for the very first time. I've lived within an hour of Dothan nearly my entire life, and have never made any real effort to attend until this year. I had an awesome time, much to my surprise.  There was an initial discomfort I had to get over, but once I did I had a really good time. Mister Christopher, Cindy, Jeremy and I were able to share a gondola on the big ferris wheel - which was slightly surreal to me due to a recurring dream I've had for the past year about Mister Christopher, and myself on a ferris wheel.. It was quite nice and fun. We also had a couple of slide races and hopped on a ride called CRAZYMOUSE, which was a total blast. Overall it was a pretty amazing night.

    One more question: Do actions really speak louder than words?