4 posts tagged “friends”

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why, why and who am i

Jun 3, 2008
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and what do i think i'm doing?

I have so many ideas filling this noggin of mine, and lately I have been quite unable to get them out. I have not been able to really pinpoint the blockage, but I do hope that it clears out soon. I had a job interview yesterday. I felt like it went really well, but I won't know anything until next Monday. Oh, the suspense! I need money. Moving money. As the preview trip to Atlanta draws near, I find myself more excited. . .and scared. Scared, still and my reasons are silly. If none of it is going to matter at the end of the summer why should I even worry? Forgive me for half-explaining myself, I'm just frustrated mentally. It will pass. The trip is this Thursday and Friday. Holly and I are going to a show and looking for apartments in addition to my interview. Weeee! Should be a hoot!

Quick question : Has anyone seen " Zeitgeist The Movie"? I downloaded it but have yet to see it. Let me know, if you don't mind. : ]

if i lived alone.

Mar 10, 2008
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Hanging out the passenger's side.

"I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth."

- Janeane Garofalo

Mister Christopher is back, and has been back and it's all been just grand. Except my luck, that is. Through some unfortunate events I ended up with a nail in the side of my tire a few days ago. I drove the forty-five minutes to troy to get new tires, only to have the tire with the nail in it blow two miles from the tire place. Sparkling glee. I changed to my spare, crying only after I got it on there and I was back in the car. What timing. Robbie picked me up and we went to Village Coffee for old time's sake. Sipped apple cider and played catch up. He broke if off with his girl, and I sighed a good riddance. He told me he wants me back and I told him to give me time. He asked if time meant until Chris was gone. I didn't say anything and he said okay. I haven't thought much about Chris being gone again. And for real this time. I know I don't mean to him what he means to me. He'll have another me within weeks once he gets to Austin. I'm dealing with that I guess. Holly came to see me at work yesterday, I was apprehensive at first but talking to her makes me realize that it's okay to feel. I want to be close to her and find myself wondering, even worrying if she still wants to move to Atlanta, and if she offers again, baby, I've got the itch so deep. My journal was stolen by a girl I was friends with. I hope she found out everything she wanted to know, and I hope it was worth our friendship. It's late and I want the biggest coffee that the cabinets can offer.

dreary, deary.

Feb 6, 2008
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Dakota-ing. Photo by Blakely.

    Sleep texting is a habit getting quite out of control; last night I sent this text to Blakely - nonsensical and nearly in cryptics : "tthe grass isa lways, grren where you .wa lk. c'mnm and stand by me," . Ridiculous. I shouldn't sleep with my phone in my bed another night. I awoke to an email on my phone from him this morning, apologizing for actions that he shouldn't feel sorry about and telling me that he finds me 'refreshingly real and cinematic'. He's a good kid, but he worries too much. Oh, there's a funny joke, me telling someone they worry too much. Ha. Ha.
    I feel alive and happy today in ways that would do my horoscope proud. I'm going to see Band of Horses tonight with Robster Lobster and his girl. Living, Living. Let's go.

    Twenty more days until Christopher is here again. I'm so ready.

forget about your house of cards;

Jan 12, 2008
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Mister Christopher and Self

what a week. what a fucking week.

I started school Monday. My very first semester of college. It's such a weird feeling, going back after not being in school for two years. The feeling isn't uncomfortable exactly, maybe I just feel vulnerable. I'm not entirely sure. I feel alone in ways that I haven't in a very long time. Lonely at school is one small thing, but Mister Christopher left Wednesday. . .I barely kept it together. I slept on the ride to the airport, I didn't want to face it. I feel bad about not taking advantage of that time with him, but I didn't want to risk freaking out. I felt like I was in a tunnel the entire time we were at the airport, there was an aching build up and I almost lost it when he hugged me goodbye. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to watch him walk away. I didn't want to let him go beyond that barrier, that invisible wall, at airports just past security. I held it together until that point, when I knew I couldn't walk up and hug him one more time. I'm glad Cindy was there. I cried on her, but continued to force it all back the best that I could. We waited until he was gone. Off the ground. I had the biggest coffee that I could find and downed it too fast, like it would make it all go away. It didn't, but it put me in a state to be around other people. I couldn't even sleep alone that night, so Cindy slept with me. I'm pathetic, I know. I didn't really freak out until school yesterday. He's gone. . . fuck. Then again at work. Really gone. . . fuck.He does seem happy to be back in Portland, so at least there is that. . .I was invited by some kids at school to go to a movie and have some booze tomorrow night. I'm going to take them up on their offer. I need to distract myself before I go mad. I fell back into my morning routine today, and it made me feel heavy. I had tea, listened to the new Radiohead, ate some cereal [Orangutan O's style. . . . .: / ] and started a new book. The weather is amazing outside. Amazing. I'm going to wear a shirt that isn't mine and leggings and go out to play.