3 posts tagged “blues”
Mister Christopher is back, and has been back and it's all been just grand. Except my luck, that is. Through some unfortunate events I ended up with a nail in the side of my tire a few days ago. I drove the forty-five minutes to troy to get new tires, only to have the tire with the nail in it blow two miles from the tire place. Sparkling glee. I changed to my spare, crying only after I got it on there and I was back in the car. What timing. Robbie picked me up and we went to Village Coffee for old time's sake. Sipped apple cider and played catch up. He broke if off with his girl, and I sighed a good riddance. He told me he wants me back and I told him to give me time. He asked if time meant until Chris was gone. I didn't say anything and he said okay. I haven't thought much about Chris being gone again. And for real this time. I know I don't mean to him what he means to me. He'll have another me within weeks once he gets to Austin. I'm dealing with that I guess. Holly came to see me at work yesterday, I was apprehensive at first but talking to her makes me realize that it's okay to feel. I want to be close to her and find myself wondering, even worrying if she still wants to move to Atlanta, and if she offers again, baby, I've got the itch so deep. My journal was stolen by a girl I was friends with. I hope she found out everything she wanted to know, and I hope it was worth our friendship. It's late and I want the biggest coffee that the cabinets can offer.
I just ate an entire bag of gummy bears minus the green ones because we all know they don't taste up to par with the others. I just ate the green ones now, too. I couldn't let them go to waste.Oh, no. My hormones are messing with me - as they like to do during bleed week. It's like I lose all control over my feelings and my thoughts and I know I'm losing control and can't do a thing about it. My mind freaking itself out. Oh, frustration. Let's throw in being hopelessly needy on top of all of that. I looked for apartments for a long time today. All the ones that I could afford were full. I guess that means we're all poor. It's cold, cold outside and all I want is to be warm and held and share some hot chocolate with the man I love.
Eighteen days until Chris is here with me again. I can't wait.
So here I lay in bed, trying to wind down for sleep, and filling my ears with Band of Horses. Why do I feel so uncomfortable and anxious. I can't put my finger on it. Jealousy? Uncertainty? No, I'm used to those feelings by now. I don't know what it is. . .Work was tame today, and by tame I mean mind-numbingly tedious. I stared at the floor a lot. It was a slow day, slow as in everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. In frames. I could almost feel my mind slipping away as I received six boxes from the UPS lady [red lipstick lady, not brown ]. Lunch was okay. I had chicken tortilla soup and a white chocolate peppermint frappe. I pulled out my obby journal and sketched the woman sitting two seats down from me. She had fingers like a spider's legs and teeth like a jackal. She laughed a lot at whoever was at the other end of the phone line. And emphasized her syllables in a way I've never heard. I decided that I liked her okay - as far as strangers go, she was pretty interesting. Jennifer came in about twenty minutes earlier than her scheduled time, and I was happy to have some living company. apart from the mindless customers that shuffle their little steps, eyes wide and confused. We talked about weekends, and embarrassing moments. I clocked out at my scheduled time but returned to talk with Jennifer for about two hours, though I really had no desire to do so. I just didn't want to come home, come home to this cold bed that I'm currently occupying. I was home by six thirty and I showered longer than normal. I was only on the couch for about eleven minutes before I started shaking uncontrollably from chills. I put on more clothes, some blankets and a heating pad - none of which helped at all. I undressed and ran a tub of steamy hot water and just sat in it until the shaking stopped. A good half hour it took. And now I feel sick and hungry but too sick to satisfy myself. I'm exhausted, but can't sleep. What kind of sense does that make?